Talked to eric a lot last night. It’s so tough, I really miss him but I know that I need to let go a littlle bit, at least while I am here. I really need this time to spend for myself, so that I can figure out what I want to do with my life and where I want to be. It ‘s not that I’m looking for a relationship with anyone, or that I’m trying to replace him. I really don’t want to get involved emotionally with anyone here, four months is too short a time to spend it worrying about guys and relationships. And i I told him that. I hope he understand what I mean.
I went to some hostels today and looked up prices. I think I need to reserve the hostel for him a head of time for semana santa because that’s a busy time for granada. I also found some places that we can go, like a little hiking trail up to the alhambra and all that jazz. Last night I talked with a older columbian astronomer, who told me that “no debes llevar lleno al monaña” which means sometihng like you shouldn’t bring wood to the mountain. He explained to me that I am young and I need to be free, not just in spain, but for as long as I need to be free. He kept saying that life is full of surprises “la vida tiene surpresas, que sorpresas tiene la vida!” or something like that. He was a strange guy, he looked like a crazy professor with john lennon glasses and a tweed blazer. Talking to him made me feel a little unsure about things, but in a way it made me feel better too.
Laney says that this isn’t the real world, that the real world for her is back in the states and that granada is her alternate universe. And although sometimes it does feel like an alternate universe, I don’t agree with her that this is not real life. Of course it is real. It’s as real as life in the states at least. But lately I’ve been getting these feelings of waking up from a dream. Like suddenly I wake up and I realize ‘this is it, this is my life. I’ll never be here right now doing this right now again’ At first it was very scary. Like I am not doing enough. It used to fill me with a sense of urgency and the need to cling to every moemnt. But lately I’ve been embracing it, meditating on it and letting the feeling just be there and I’ve realized that my problem isn’t that I’m dreaming all the time. It’s that I’m trying too hard to hodl on to the current moment. If I just let the moment be, just acknowledge it, cherish it and then let it go, it is so much more valuable that way. It’s differnet than doing what people call “living for the moment” because it’s not hasty and not random. It’s not thrill seeking. Its not seeking anything. It’s just accepting this moment, this second for exactly what it is: temporary, wonderful but at the same time nothing special.
I hiked around the albayzin today with Amanda. I really like her because I feel like I can practice my spanish with her and she doesn’t judge me if I can’t remember a word. she just lets me think about it and then if I still cant remember she tells me to describe it using other words. Which is difficult if the word is an abstract nown. But it all seems to work out in the end. I like amanda because she is very independent, and at the same time I think she understands where I’m coming from, and what I’m trying to accomplish while I’m here. I hope to spend more time with her.